Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
