Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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