My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Farmville is her only friend.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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