I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
