We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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