Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
