i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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