i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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