please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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