his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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