I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize