Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
You smell like stripper and shame
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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