Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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