My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
