Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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