He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize