i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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