If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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