I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
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