She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
