Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
