On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
