you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
There's even glitter on my cock...
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