I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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