i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
