It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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