Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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