mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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