Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
