I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Text me some of your sweat
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
