just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize