Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
did i walk over a car last night?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
