I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize