I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
