i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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