So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
