When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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