come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
So many bounce houses so little time
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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