He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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