I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
