my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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