if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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