Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
