i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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