i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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