nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
