dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
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My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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