Will you blow on my dice?
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
