Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
