You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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