She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
