So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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