last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I don't deserve a penis
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
