how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
