i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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