I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
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