I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize