u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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