i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
