if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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