that's an acceptable place to lick
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
