i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
