i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
