I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
